Sunday, January 30, 2011

Best Movie I've Never Seen.

I'm sure at least some of you remember a classic movie called '3 Ninjas'.  It's a gripping tale that tells the story of 3 young white "ninjas" named Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum (you most likely hated Tum-Tum, I know I did).  You might even remember its sequel '3 Ninjas Kick Back'.  A die hard fan might even know about the third movie of the series '3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain' which also starred the mighty Hulk Hogan.  I myself have seen almost two of these movies (all of the first one and about half of the other two).  But not even I knew about the existence of a FOURTH 3 Ninjas movie, '3 Ninjas Knuckle Up'.  I haven't ever watched a single scene from Knuckle Up, but the synopsis alone was enough for me to award it "Best Movie I've Never Seen":

In this movie Rocky, Colt and TumTum must battle an evil wealthy toxic waste dumper in order to save a local Indian tribe and their friend Joe. The 3 Ninjas must help find Joe's father and find a secret disk that contains evidence that could stop the toxic landfill that is destroying the Indian community. However the town is owned by the rich man and he controls the police and even the mayor. They must fight a motorcycle gang and renegade cowboys in this non-stop ninja adventure.
This movie has everything!  It's got ninjas, cowboys, motorcycle gangs, a guy named Joe, indians, toxic dumpers, corrupt politicians, missing fathers, etc.!  The ninja adventure found in this movie literally does not stop.  I'm honestly not sure if I'll ever get to see this cinematic gem, mostly because I doubt you can rent it anymore and I refuse to pay real money to own it.  It might always be known in my heart as the 'Best Movie I've Never Seen.'

Interesting side note: The previous winner of the "Best Movie I've Never Seen" award used to be 'Kazaam' starring Shaquille O'Neal.  But then I actually watched it.  And it immediately joined my "10 Worst Movies I've Ever Forced Myself to Sit Through" list, which will forever be headed by 'Twister' starring Bill Paxton.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Epic Dunk.

ANYONE can dunk a basketball using a trampoline.  I can almost dunk without one.  But how many can dunk themselves?

I think his best course of action is to claim he did that on purpose.  Doing that on purpose = epic.  Doing that on accident = epic fail.  Thats why I claim that everything I do is on purpose.  That way 'slipping on some ice' = 'totally sweet power slide'.  Or 'falling asleep in Sunday School' = 'intense meditation'.  So much better.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Self Defense II.

Little known fact: the main advantage of the war hammer is its absolutely ferocious smashing and piercing power.  Our good friends over at Cold Steel (the makers of the Sjambok) are back, and this time they brought their big guns.  Well...not really guns.  More like a hammer.

That spike really does pierce "all kinds of stuff".  Sweat Shorts Guy really took it to that water barrel.  They say in the commercial that there is hardly anything that can stand in front of that spike and not get smashed or pierced by it.  Well here is my list of things that probably could:

-Another War Hammer

And thats pretty much it.  I honestly can't think of anything else that could withstand such ferocious piercing and smashing power.  Buy a war hammer, you won't regret it.

Monday, January 24, 2011


Kind of random but I've always been a fan of confusing warning signs. The signs where you look at them and wouldn't be sure what they were warning against if there wasn't any text to explain it. Either that or the picture on the sign is showing a tragic situation but with stick figures. Like at work there are several signs that have stick people getting their fingers cut off or someone getting their hair/pearl necklace/necktie stuck in an industrial machine. People just learn better with pictures I guess. So in that spirit, here is a webpage my niece sent to me that offers their own interpretation of some warning signs.  My favorite is this one:

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.

I think I could break that record!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Brigham Young will fight you.

I'm taking a 'Prophets of the Church' class this semester at BYU. Every class period we learn about a different prophet, and last week was Brigham Young. We learned about a time when several members of the church held a meeting to try and get rid of Joseph Smith. The account of the meeting, as recorded by Brigham Young himself goes as follows:

On a certain occasion several of the Twelve, the witnesses to the Book of Mormon, and others of the Authorities of the Church, held a council in the upper room of the [Kirtland] Temple. The question before them was to ascertain how the Prophet Joseph could be deposed, and David Whitmer appointed President of the Church. Father John Smith, Brother Heber C. Kimball and others were present, who were opposed to such measures. I rose up, and in a plain and forcible manner told them that Joseph was a Prophet, and I knew it, and that they might rail and slander him as much as they pleased, they could not destroy the appointment of the Prophet of God, they could only destroy their own authority, cut the thread that bound them to the Prophet and to God and sink themselves to hell. Many were highly enraged at my decided opposition to their measures, and Jacob Bump (an old pugilist) was so exasperated that he could not be still. Some of the brethren near him put their hands on him, and requested him to be quiet; but he writhed and twisted his arms and body saying, "How can I keep my hands off that man?" I told him if he thought it would give him any relief he might lay them on. This meeting was broken up without the apostates being able to unite on any decided measures of opposition.

A pugilist is a boxer by the way. I love this story about Brigham Young. He was ready to not only defend the prophet with his words, but it's pretty clear that if you mess with Joseph Smith, Brigham Young WILL fight you.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Bedtime Story.

This is the kind of father I imagine myself being:

My kids most likely won't grow up normal, but they'll be quiet!!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I think all of us feel the way this guy does about what happened last week:

If they can't make it, what hope do I have?!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Wikipedia All-Stars: Bob Ross

If anyone doesn't remember, Bob Ross is the guy who painted "happy trees" on PBS all those years.  I still remember watching him and his big afro paint those happy mountainscapes.  He is probably most popular for his amazingly calm demeanor and soothing voice.  He didn't have an angry bone in his body.  Where did he learn such tranquility? The military of course:

Having held military positions that required him to be, in his own words, "mean" and "tough," "the guy who makes you scrub the latrine, the guy who makes you make your bed, the guy who screams at you for being late to work," Ross decided that if he ever moved on from the military, "it wasn't going to be that way any more," "vowing never to scream again".

I can only imagine the terror that must have been Sergeant Ross.  Making cadets clean the "happy latrines" and chuckling as he made them do push ups for getting it wrong.  I'm pretty sure that along with never screaming again, Bob Ross never got another haircut either.  Here's to you Sgt. Ross!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Self Defense.

Do you need a better way to move your cattle?  Is your produce getting uppity?  Ever feel like just smashing the heck out of a whiffle ball?  If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, the Sjambok is perfect for you!

The part that actually made me laugh out loud was when he threw on his sweat shorts and really went after those whiffle balls.  He even broke one in half! Those eggs never stood a chance.  And thats pretty much how I decide if a product is good for self defense or not.  I see if it can break a tomato.  Some other items that also meet the unreasonably high standards of the sjambok are:

-my belt
-a key
-pretty much any stick
-a can
-a forceful karate chop
-uncooked spaghetti
-a sturdy pinecone
-most jewelry
-a dvd case
-a coat hanger
-a rolled up magazine (roll it tight...or not.  I'm not sure it really matters)
-the box a sjambok was shipped in
-any decent plunger

It's good to know that I have so many options to defend myself with.  You know, just in case I really feel like whipping the crap out of a watermelon.  Which is pretty much every day.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


So I went to an acoustic guitar show last night which inspired me to share this on here.  This is a song called "Drifting" by Andy Mckee.  It is honestly the coolest guitar song I have ever found online.  This guy is a master of his craft.

I just hope he didn't eat any dairy before filming this.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Rule Breaker.

Big thanks to my sister for sending me this link today, because I feel like it needs to be immediately shared with as many people as possible.  Here is a link to the 15 best quotes found in Justin Bieber's autobiography.  My personal favorite is:

Singers aren't supposed to have dairy before a show, but we all know I'm a rule breaker.  Pizza is just so good!
 Of course you break rules Justin! What choice do you have?!  I can only imagine what Usher might say if he caught you eating dairy pizza right before a show.  And you're supposed to be a role model.  For shame Justin Bieber, for shame.  You'll never amount to 1/10th of the good that Michael Jackson did to others at this rate.  He NEVER would have eaten dairy pizza right before a show, no matter how good it is.  HE had standards.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Wikipedia All-Stars: Sean Connery

This might just go down as one of the single worst decisions of all time, and is apparently responsible for the end of his acting career:
Connery stated in interviews for the film (included on the DVD release) that he was offered a role in The Lord of the Rings series, declining it due to "not understanding the script." CNN reported that the actor was offered up to 15% of the worldwide box office receipts to play Gandalf, which had he accepted, could have earned him as much as $400 million for the trilogy.[22] After the series went on to become a huge hit, Connery decided to accept the lead role in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, despite not "understanding" it either. In July 2005, it was reported that he had decided to retire from film-making, following disillusionment with the "idiots now in Hollywood" and the turmoil making the 2003 film.
I hope to one day make a mistake thats costs someone 400 million dollars.  Thats the kind of thing you can put on a resume.  If there was a hall of fame for epically bad movie decisions, this would be in there for sure.  Right up there with the idea to make a movie about a killer tornado and have it star Bill Paxton.  Or pretty much anything that stars Bill Paxton.

Friday, January 7, 2011


Check out this website and realize the full potential of the internet! Make sure your sound is turned up:

At zombo com, the only limit is yourself!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Back to School.

In the spirit of the new school semester that began this week, I have decided to share something I wrote for a Persuasive Writing class at BYU last year. This is taken from a paper I wrote explaining why steroids should be legalized in Major League Baseball:

Home runs have been on the decrease about as long as the ratings have been decreasing. The correlation is accurate and logical to make, as is the correlation between number of home runs hit and MLB's involvement with steroids. As steroid testing has gone up, steroid use has gone down. As steroids have gone out of the league so has the most exciting play the game has to offer, the home run. As the home runs have faded, so have the television ratings. And as the television ratings continue to plummet, so will the business success of major league baseball.

This paper was the most ridiculous and amazing thing I had ever written for a class assignment. I'm not sure what grade I got on it, but i pulled a B in the class overall. Part of the assignment was to send your paper to its intended audience, so I actually emailed a copy of the entire thing to MLB headquarters. I have yet to hear back.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Goodbye Christmas.

To officially say goodbye to the holiday season and 2010, here is a little video for everyone that really got me in the Christmas spirit this year:

I hope everyone has a Kenny Chesney 2011.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Wikipedia All-Stars: Ron Artest

For anyone who doesn't know, Ron Artest plays basketball for the Lakers.  His career/life highlights include winning an NBA championship, recording maybe the worst greatest rap album of all time, and chasing down a fan and punching him in the face giving him a high five.  He is known for playing a rough style of basketball, and this might offer a small clue to where he learned it:

"Growing up in a rough neighborhood Artest claims he witnessed the murder of a fellow player on a basketball court. "It was so competitive, they broke a leg from a table and they threw it, it went right through his heart and he died right on the court. So I'm accustomed to playing basketball really rough."
Well that makes sense.  Not to self: Never play basketball with Ron Artest.  Or in his neighborhood.  Or near a broken table.  Or with ANYONE capable of throwing ANYTHING through another person heart.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Be Happy.

Not even sure who this comedian is, but this made me lol out loud:

I'll be getting on an airplane myself later today to start my journey back to college.  If the internet is down I'm going to be SO pissed.