Jian Sword Dancing.

Rarely do I find a video on youtube that combines EVERYTHING I love about good videos. Well I found one. And it's called 'Jian Sword Dancing'.

I'm pretty sure these two might be Napoleon Dynamites neighbors. It just seems to fit. Also, I'm currently recruiting any of my sisters who would be willing to do this amazing sword dance with me at our next big family reunion. It's our families time to shine!

Feel free to check out 'Balisong Dancing' too. It's pretty good, but just doesn't have the inexplicable magic of the one I posted.

Of Prophets and Poets.

Something I love in life is when two things that have importance for me seem to overlap and intersect. I like to make connections between seemingly unrelated things, as I find it can give new meaning to each. I made such a connection this week between scripture and music. 

I recently finished reading through my 1830 replica Book of Mormon, which was a pretty cool experience in and of itself. There was something special about reading the entire book without verses or cross-references. I enjoyed reading it all while knowing that it was a book printed similar to that version that was used to convert the early leaders of my church. Reading it through with that specific mindset was something I had never done before and I found it enriching. I'll no doubt go back to that version again later, but for now I went back to my standard quad and started back again at First Nephi. 

The first chapter tells about a prophet Lehi that has a vision where he is given a book to read. Lehi reads from the book and experiences two reactions: he despairs for Jerusalem, and he rejoices in God. Here are the verses that specifically tell that part of the story:

1 Nephi 1:11- ...and the first came and stood before my father, and gave unto him a book, and bade him that he should read.
12. And it came to pass that as he read, he was filled with the Spirit of the Lord.
13. And he read, saying: Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem...
14. And it came to pass that when my father had read and seen many great and marvelous things, he did exclaim many things unto the Lord; such as: Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty!...

Time to overlap that story with one told in a song I heard for the first time recently. The song tells of a man finding a book which inspires similar reactions to Lehi as he read the book given him in his vision. The lyrics to the song are as follows:

Standing knee deep in cold water, swiftly moving, somehow I knew I'd lost something.
Wading waist deep I saw a book there in the river, waiting for me to find it there.
I tried to read it, neck deep, treading water, but the tide, it pulled me out to sea.
Then, with water in my eyes, the words began to rise from their place.
They were beautiful and dread; I reached for them and fed on each phrase.
They were honey on my lips, but then a bitter twist in my side.
I knew they'd lay me in my grave; "Is there no one who can save me?" I cried.
And when I lost all hope to look, someone took that heavy book -
from my hands; all its weight they set aside, after they had satisfied its demands.
I felt white and black reverse, and the lifting of a curse from my heart.
Then like one receiving sight, I beheld a brilliant light in the dark.

While I know this song wasn't written about Lehi, I really enjoyed seeing the similarities. While I've pretty much always been passionate about scripture and also of music, rarely do I notice such a strong connection between the two. It brought new light to each passage for me. 

If you're interested in learning more about Lehi or the Book of Mormon, go here: www.lds.org

If you're interested in the song, its "Words in the Water" by Thrice. A video of them performing the song live in studio can be found here (with the lyrics reposted in the description): Words In The Water

Halloween.

Happy Halloween everybody! I was a Death Eater for halloween this year, but the dark mark has already washed off my arm. Note to self: "permanent" markers are a total lie! Anyways, here's a little video to get everyone in the holiday spirit.



Tradition! This honestly reminds me of the relationship I have with some of my friends. Good times!

Songs I Will Always Love.

So here is a new series of videos I'm going to post. Every now and again I'll be posting a song that I will love until the day I die. The only rule is the song has to be at least 5 years old. This is to make sure that I don't like it simply as a fad and that as soon as it leaves the radio I forget about it. This will be a collection of songs that I could hear 20 years from now and still cherish. So without further ado, here is the first:

Not sure how many people still remember this song, but for some reason I won't ever forget it. What songs would make your list?

Normal People with Famous Names.

Do you remember 'Where's Waldo?' from when you were young? Well I just invented a modern day version. It goes like this: watch this video and try to find the guy that has a really famous name, but it obviously not the real famous person. It's the most fun you've ever had watching a scooter commercial!

Did you find it?!! Post a comment and let me know if you were able to spot the normal/famous person, and you might be entered in a random drawing for a prize! The winner may or MAY NOT be receiving an all expenses paid cruise of the Caribbean!

Stormtroopers.

A storm troopers life aint easy...

Josh.

Here is a video of Josh Groban. This is mostly to make up for posting a video about a guy pooping his pants immediately underneath this. Cheers!



There: now everyone that reads my blog can be uplifted in some way. Have a great day!

Jerry.

Question: How old do you have to be to stop laughing at poop humor videos?
Answer: Apparently not 27.

Disclaimer: If at any point you decide that you are not type of person that enjoys a good poop humor video, stop watching 'Jerry' and look above to find a Josh Groban music video. I'm sure you'll find that more to your liking. Cheers!




Props to Eric for showing this to me. I almost cried the first time I watched this video. It is the Citizen Kane of poop videos. I hope at least someone enjoyed it, and if not...well at least you can re-watch Josh Groban a few more times. He sings like an angel.

Christianity in Lyrics.

So I recently came across a small volume of poems/lyrics that have some amazing religious themes. I found these snippets to be either incredibly poignent or incredibly creative in their wordcraft. I'll post where I found all of these if anyone really wants to know, but who wrote them isn't the important thing. The message they carry is what strikes me. I will say that all of these came from the same source, except for the last one which I found somewhere else.

I was always one of the blameless, or at least that's what I believed.

I never thought I could be blinded, until I could no longer see.

But you buried me in the bright light. Yeah you held my eyes to the sun 'till I could see-

that I was worse than I ever feared I could be,

but somehow, I was loved more than I ever dared to believe,

because of you.

And when I lost all hope to look, someone took that heavy book-

from my hands; all its weight they set aside, after they had satisfied its demands.

I felt white and black reverse, and the lifting of a curse from my heart,

Then like one receiving sight, I beheld a brilliant light in the dark.

He laid aside his crown, all our crimes he carried, 

was lifted from the ground, and with our burdens buried.

When shadows all had clung and the light diminished,

he emptied out his lungs, crying "It is finished!"

----

Listen to me, though I speak of sober things;

Listen through me, though a man of lips unclean.

I speak truly what you only think you've heard;

everything, everything, everything hangs on a word.

We were sons of insurrection, doomed to face the dark alone,

'Till vicarious perfection, dearly won, was made our own.

Unassailable you waited, the great enemy of man,

'till your awful jaws were sated, and we were ransomed from your hand.

A prideful demand,

I dared to question "Why?"

And to this bitter stance,

came the peaceful reply...

"You only know your wants,

I always know your needs.

When a lonely lesson haunts,

find faith to believe.

Child, you are never alone with me."

Happiness Machine.

I saw this for the first time in one of my advertising classes last year. I thought it was pretty genius. I wish Coke would do something like this on BYU campus, except no one really drinks caffeine there (myself included...most of the time).



That machine has more magic than Dumbledore. If I ever get rich, I would totally pay someone to run one of those happiness machines in my mansion. If I don't ever get that rich, I wouldn't mind running one of those machines myself for someone else in their mansion. Assuming they pay me handsomely of course. And I get some of that sandwich.

Spider.

Addendum: It has come to my attention that I stole the idea to post about insects from my friend Eric and his own blog which can be found HERE. I chose to update everyone with this information because it's the right thing to do, and NOT because I lost a bet. Nope. No way. Definitely not a lost bet.

So fair warning: if you don't like spiders, you pry shouldn't watch this video. I first saw this while watching tv with two of my really good friends. We're all in our twenties and don't normally scare that easy. This video made ALL THREE of us jump, and one of us even screamed a little. Let me know if you didn't flinch while watching this and you win a prize.



I also like the little girl camera operator trying to give her Dad advice. Maybe next time he'll listen. Or get a bigger bowl to trap what might just be the king of all spiders. Like I'm pretty sure thats the spider that Hagrid released into the forest outside of Hogwarts. And now its loose in that dudes house.

Remember.

Think about the love inside the strength of heart,

Think about the heroes saving life in the dark,

Think about the chance I never had to say,

Thank you for giving up your life that day.

("Believe" by Yellowcard)

How I Know.

NOTE / WARNING: This is NOT a typical post for me. It isn't funny. It mostly rambles about how I came to know certain things that mean the most to me. I thought about not posting it once I got done writing it, but since only 4 people will ever read my blog I figured it was ok. Just skip it if you don't like churchy stuff.

So it's now after 5:00am and I'm still wide awake. I've pretty much thrown in the towel on getting any sleep tonight and thats fine. My brain won't be quiet and I'm pretty sure my heart and my stomach have combined into one 'super organ' that doesn't really do either job correctly. Like I can feel my heart beating in my stomach and I feel hungry in my chest. Maybe I'll get that checked sometime.

But instead of lying in bed and not sleeping some more, I thought I would do something productive. I got onto lds.org and combed through every talk that was given in General Conference during my mission (2004-2006) that had the word "testimony" in it. It was a lot to look through, but I've been meaning to do this for a couple years now to try and find something important to me. Every General Conference has several amazing talks that stand out and inspire me, but I can only think of 3 specific talks that have struck me to my absolute core. The first was on my mission while I was still in the Dominican MTC. It was given by Elder Holland and directed only to missionaries. I don't remember word for word what he said, but what hit me so hard was when he talked about testimonies. He said that we needed to know the church was true like a literal fire was burning in our soul. And if we didn't have that, we should get on our knees and pray until we did. That night I waited for my companions to doze off, kneeled down on my bed, and begged my Heavenly Father for that kind of testimony. Rarely in my life have my wants and needs become so uniquely focused as they were during that prayer. I've never doubted that God answers prayers, and I think I was expecting my answer to this one to be like a brilliant flash of light. What came was a simple comfort that I was doing just fine, and that my testimony was strong enough to do the work I had been called to do. No big flash of light and no angelic visitations. Feeling that calm was the answer I was meant to receive, but I don't think it made me stop expecting a dramatic ensign-worthy moment of enlightenment. I spent the next year of my mission half-waiting for that big moment, until I heard the next talk that changed my life.

This is the talk that I had been looking for on lds.org tonight. It was given in April of 2005 by Boyd K. Packer and can be found by clicking HERE. This talk helped me learn more about the strength of my own testimony than anything else I had ever read. Everyone talks about how certain Apostles seem like they are talking straight to them personally...well this one was mine. Here are the portions specifically that still stick with me, 6 years later, as I lay in bed unable to sleep:

  

When I first read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover, I read the promise that if I “would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if [the things I had read were] true; and if [I would] ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he [would] manifest the truth of it unto [me], by the power of the Holy Ghost” (Moro. 10:4). I tried to follow those instructions, as I understood them.

If I expected a glorious manifestation to come at once as an overpowering experience, it did not happen. Nevertheless, it felt good, and I began to believe.
...
If I had expected in my little-boy innocence some special spiritual experience, it had not happened. Over the years as I listened to sermons and lessons and read in the Book of Mormon, I began to understand.


...
My experience has been that a testimony does not burst upon us suddenly. Rather it grows, as Alma said, from a seed of faith. “It will strengthen your faith: for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow” (Alma 32:30). If you nourish it, it will grow; and if you do not nourish it, it will wither (see Alma 32:37–41).

Do not be disappointed if you have read and reread and yet have not received a powerful witness. You may be somewhat like the disciples spoken of in the Book of Mormon who were filled with the power of God in great glory “and they knew it not” (3 Ne. 9:20).

I knew that this talk was given for me. I had spent so much time waiting for a grand vision to prove to myself that I knew this church was true. The reality was that I knew all along. I've known since I was a child. I didn't need to see an angel to know, like a literal fire in my soul, that everything I had learned my whole life was real. Boyd K. Packer, an APOSTLE OF GOD, got his testimony the very same way I did. Nothing wrong with that. Since that day I have stopped waiting for an epic experience to "kick start" my testimony. I've tried instead to build it piece by piece, just doing a little bit every single day. I can say without hesitation now that I know that Jesus is my Savior. I know that Joseph Smith was his prophet. I know that the Book of Mormon is real. It doesn't matter how many internships I don't get, or how many social situations I mess up, or how many nights I lay awake just being mad at myself. God has a plan for me. He loves me despite the fact that I am flawed and He will never lose hope. These last few days have taught me that it doesn't matter what I don't know (which is a LOT). What matters is what I do. It's the things I know that I won't ever be able to ignore. It's the things I know that make me happy. And thanks to talks like these, I know those things like a fire in my soul. And not just a normal fire either. That special magical fire from Harry Potter that keeps growing forever and looks like a dragon. THAT kind of fire.

Twilight.

Totally stole this from my friend Ashley's blog, but it made me laugh. Here is a completely accurate retelling of the entire Twilight saga in just 4 seconds...



And in this version of the story we don't have to sit through any of Bella being the dumbest girl on the planet! Everybody wins!

Poll Results.

So my first ever "Waste Time Here" side-bar poll has now ended, and it's official: watching a WNBA basketball game is worse than cutting off your own arm. The actual results of the poll can be clearly seen off to the right of the main page. So cowboy up Aron Ralston, there are worse things in life than self amputation.

Poetry In Lyrics.

I love music. I spend way too much money on it. When I get a new cd, I enjoy reading the lyrics from the booklet as I listen to the songs (which is why I still insist on buying a hard copy cd of all my music). I strongly believe that music (and the lyrics contained within the song) can be viewed as a high form of poetry. If I decide that I really like a song, its usually because there is a verse or some lines of poetry in there that strike a chord with me. Sometimes listening to an old song and remembering lyrics once forgotten feels like seeing an old friend that I haven't seen for a while. So I decided to make a quick list of lines/phrases/verses of poetry found in my music library that for one reason or another stood out to me. That "quick list" soon grew to contain almost 40 entries after just one scan of my library. So here is an abbreviated version of that list that I narrowed down to 10.

All because of you,

I believe in angels,

Not the kind with wings, no not the kind with halos,

The kind that bring you home,

When home becomes a strange place,

I'll follow your voice,

All you have to do is shout it out.

If I was a simple man, would we still walk hand in hand?

If I suddenly went blind, would you still look in my eyes?

And what happens when I grow old?

And all my stories have been told?

Will your heart still race for me?

Or will it march to a new beat?

Who do you want to forget?

Who forgot you long ago?

...You make breaking hearts look so easy,

seems like you've done this before.

 If you're an ocean then,

I want to jump right in,

If you're a hand grenade then,

I'll pull the pin.

It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten,

What the color of her eyes were,

Or her scars and how she got them,

As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping,

Thru the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten.

The wind died, The whole world ceased to move,

Now so quiet, Her beating heart became a boom,

We locked eyes,

For just a moment or two,

She asked why,

I said I don't know why, I just know.

Wake up, everyone,

It's not too late,

To save the remnants of,

our hearts, so stop giving up,

our last shot at love,

our only chance to find the meaning of,

the beat beneath the blood.

Come what may,

I won't abandon you or leave you behind,

Because love,

 Is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment,

Come what may,

I will be standing right here by your side,

I won't run away, 

Though the storms getting worse,

and there's no end in sight.

Let me light up the sky,

Light it up for you,

Let me tell you why,

I would die for you,

Let me light up the sky,

Light it up for you,

Let me make this mine,

I'll ignite for you.

All you big shots that swagger and stride with conceit,

Did you devise how your frame would be formed?

If you'd be raised in a palace, or live out in the streets,

Did you choose the place or the hour you'd be born?

Tell me what can you claim?

Not a thing, not your name!

Tell me if you can recall just one thing,

That's not a gift in this life?

If there's one thing I know in this life:

We are beggars all.

I know that there's a difference between sleight of hand,

And giving everything you have,

There's a line drawn in the sand,

I'm working up the will to cross it and,

I hope that I will never let you down.

I speak in many tongues with many men,

Argue with angels and I always win,

But I don't know the first thing about love.

Ok so maybe 12 entries. I really wish I had the talent to make poetry like this, much less any music to accompany it.  For now though I guess listening to my favorite songs on repeat will have to do. And maybe thats why I like finding new music so much. I never know when I'll find another song that 'clicks' and I can add it to my list.

Good Music Monday.

Before jumping in my car for another 20+ hour drive, I thought I would post a song I've been replaying over and over again on youtube. This comes from my favorite band Thrice, but its an acoustic version of a song that will be on their next album. Listen, enjoy, and be glad you're not sitting in a car for the next day.

Interesting side note: The band wrote this song by pulling lyrics from other songs throughout their career. I think theres at least one line taken from all seven of their other albums. Love it.

Weird Russian Guy.

I stole this from my friend Eric, and I gotta be honest...this video made me literally laugh out loud and I have no idea why. A lot of stuff I think is funny doesn't actually make me laugh out loud, but this one made the cut. Theres just something special about this guy. Bonus points if you watch the entire thing without skipping ahead!!

I like to think of him as the guy that everyone is friends with in the neighborhood but that no one really trusts. Like I doubt I would let him borrow any tools or anything no matter how nicely he asked. And if he came over to get a cup of flour or something I would make him wait on the front porch while I got it for him. Like I think I would go to a bbq at his house, but only if it was an outdoors bbq. I'm pretty sure he would be the guy at a party that is really bad at charades, most likely because he doesn't really understand the rules. And when you explain the rules he nods his head and says he gets it...but you both know he's confused. And he's prolly the kind of guy that walks REALLY slowly when he goes outside to check his mailbox, which he does three times a day even though everyone knows the mail doesn't come 'til 4:00.

He strikes me as that kind of guy.

Tips For Success.

My brother Taylor showed my a website called Grouchy Rabbit which has a bunch of tips for success. So I decided to post some of my favorites and start living by them every single day. Maybe then I can stop being so homeless. Also, here is a picture of a bear surfing on a shark:

That picture doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but I thought it was pretty cool and I wanted this post to have a picture. So anyways, here are the tips to success:

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but only if you throw it really, really hard.

Occasionally think "I know you can read my thoughts," just in case.

Before you insult someone, always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you insult them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

Instead of giving your significant other flowers to watch die, send flowers to your enemy with a note that reads, "You're next!"

If a girl doesn't seem interested in you, you're not wearing enough Axe.

While being mugged, shout "Swiper no swiping!"

Never hit a man with glasses. To be effective, hit him with something much bigger and heavier.

Never mess with a Sicilian when death is on the line...

And there you have it. Sure fire ways to get you a new/better job/spouse. I'm SO going to be rich/attractive to others some day!

Puppy Pictures.

There are three things that everyone in this world loves without question: a good meal, a good nap, and looking at pictures of baby animals. So be a human being and look at this video...

WINDS OF CHANGE!!!!

Good Music Monday.

I don't know when I'm going to get married, but I'm pretty sure this song will be played at the wedding:

I just recently found out about this band (He Is We) and I'm already hooked. If you're bored and liked this song, you should look up the rest of their stuff on youtube. I would recommend all of it.

Epic Moments in TV II

This one is from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I honestly almost cried watching this once. Basically, Will's Dad split when Will was just a kid and has recently tried to get back into Will's life. They decide to go on long trip together (Will's dad is a trucker) but his Dad cancels the trip at the last second and attempts to run out on Will all over again. Here is the last scene from that episode (you have to follow the link):

http://youtu.be/OoBmEXgr3uk

Sorry for just posting a link but youtube wouldn't let me embed this one. This is like one of 4 serious/emotional moments I can remember even happening on the show (the others being Phil's heart attack, Carlton taking speed he got out of Will's locker, and Will getting shot.) It has always been one of my favorite moments in tv history because for one I love this show and still watch it when it reruns, and also because I think Will Smith nails the delivery. Makes me even more thankful for my own Father, who has always been everything for me.

Epic Moments in TV I

This is my favorite moment from all of Saved By The Bell, which includes middle school and the college years. Jesse and the other girls started a jazzercise music group where they would sing about how excited they were about stuff while jumping rope or something I think. Thats not really important. What IS important is that this was happening right before a big test or something and Jesse didn't have enough time for everything. Keep in mind this was before the days of using a Time-Tuner to make it to Arithmancy class on time. So Jesse turned to caffeine pills. Zack found out and this happened:



Mario Lopez is the famous one out of the cast now (and deservedly so), but I think Jesse deserves a little more recognition for this moment. It was easily the most overacted emotional moment of the whole series.

Rodeo.

So I went to my first rodeo last night. Little known fact: When I first moved to Texas I promised myself I would never attend one. I feel like I have done a lot of growing up since then and as it turns out, rodeos are pretty sweet. Some of my favorite parts include the bull riding, a team roping competition, and eating a churro. At the end they had some dudes doing freestyle motocross. Their big finale was a backflip, which looked a little something like this:

This was cool, but it got my friends and I thinking. That was fine, but an EVEN BETTER finale would be if one of the cowboys came back out on a horse and ran down the same take off ramp the motocross guys were using. Going full speed, the horse then launches into its own backflip. Take a moment to imagine that...

...

...

...

...

...

...pretty magical, right? Did you see the horse launch off the ramp, rotating backwards in slow motion while the cowboy is waving his hat wildly in the air? And at the apex of the flip you look up and it creates a perfect eclipse of a full moon? And they land together in perfect majesty and trot off the landing with glory in their eyes? Yeah, thats what I imagined too.

But I did some research and I'm pretty sure this is actually the closest anyone has ever come to a successful horseflip:

Not quite as magical as I would have hoped. Some day...

Da Jesus Book

So ignoring the fact that I haven't posted anything in like two months, I recently found out that there is a language spoken in Hawaii called pidgin english. It's basically normal english, but SO much worse cooler. I also learned that the bible has been translated into pidgin, and looks a little something like this: 

And here are some excerpts from 'Da Jesus Book':

Da Boss Above, he take care me,

  Jalike da sheep farma take care his sheeps.

  He goin give me everyting I need.

He let me lie down wea da sweet an soft grass stay.

  He lead me by da water wea I can rest.

He give me new kine life.

  He lead me in da road dat stay right,

  Cuz I his guy.

This might be my new favorite language ever. I would gladly trade either regular english or dominican spanish for the ability to speak pidgin fluently. Also, I really need to get myself a copy of 'Da Jesus Book' to add to my collection of random/rare scriptures (which already includes a fascimile first edition Book of Mormon, a CoC Bible, and more spanish evangelical pamphlets than you can shake a stick at). Looks like I know where part of my next pay check is going...

Wikipedia All-Stars: Mr.T

Ok time for a real wikipedia all star.  Everyone knows who Mr.T is, but in case your grew up under a rock and this is your first day in the real world and had the misfortune of someone showing you my blog, Mr.T is this guy:

Impressive I know. Whats even MORE impressive is the following information pulled from his wiki page:

In 1984, he made a motivational video called Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool!. He gives helpful advice to children throughout the video; for example, he teaches them how to understand and appreciate their origins, how to dress fashionably without buying designer labels, how to make tripping up look like breakdancing, how to control their anger, and how to deal with peer pressure. The video is roughly one hour long, but contains 30 minutes of singing, either by the group of children accompanying him, or by Mr. T himself. He sings "Treat Your Mother Right (Treat Her Right)," in which he enumerates the reasons why it is important to treat your mother right, and also raps a song about growing up in the ghetto and praising God. The raps in this video were written by Ice T.

Add this to my bucket list: WATCH BE SOMEDODY...OR BE SOMEBODY'S FOOL!! All of those things he teaches are the things I struggle with everyday. Especially the breakdancing one. My birthday is next month, so if anyone needed a hint of what to get me...this is pretty much all I would need for the rest of my life. Also, some Swedish Fish would be great.

p.s.- I would also suggest checking out the wealth of information found in the 'Personal Life' section of Mr Ts wikipedia page. Spoiler alert: its only 6 words long.

Wikipedia All-Stars: Jicama

Jicama is a root type vegetable found throughout the world. Here is a little factoid I learned on wiki that I would like to share with everyone:

 In contrast to the root, the remainder of the jícama plant is very poisonous; the seeds contain the toxin rotenone, which is used to poison insects and fish.

I found that interesting. This wasn't supposed to funny, but rather educational. No one can ever say they don't learn anything from my blog.

Star Wars.

May the Fourth be with you...

Anti-Jokes.

Thanks to my friend Ashley, I recently been introduced to the world of anti-jokes. They are jokes that start off normally but end extremely serious. It's not often I find things that honestly make me lol out loud to myself, but several of these did. The best part is that they really shouldn't be funny at all. A lot of them are actually very sad. But I laughed anyways. So here are some of my favorites:

Whats green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels. 

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

I have a gun.

Get in the van.

A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?

We are both lawyers.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Domestic violence is a crime. She should leave her abusive partner and seek help.

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks around a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

So this guy walks into the Doctors and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this." The Doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both of your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."

A white guy, a black guy, and a spanish guy jump off a building. They all die on impact and their families mourn their loss for years to come.

What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Nothing. He's homeless.

Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory?

Repeated absences and stealing.

How do you make a plumber cry?

You kill his dog.

Why did Suzie fall of the swing?

She had no arms.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A horrible boating accident.

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

AIDS.

Enjoy your Tuesday.

Krump.

Sorry for waiting so long to post something new, but to make up for it here is something everyone enjoys.  Little kids krump dancing!



Those kids are already better at dancing than I will ever be at anything. I look forward to their future on Americas Best Dance Crew.

Graduation Day.

With a post title like that you would expect me to write about how I graduate (kind of) college later today, wouldn't you?  You might expect me to write about how much I've loved BYU and all the great friends and experiences I'e had here.  You might expect me to write about besides the two years I spent on a mission, my years at BYU have been the happiest of my life.  You might expect me to write about all of that (and its all true btw), but you would be wrong.  Because today is also Friday.  And I gotta get down on Friday.  Except this weak I'll be treating everyone to the Bob Dylan Remix.  Enjoy.



Everyone hates on Rebeccah Black for how bad this song is, but as it turns out she just took it from Bob Dylan.  So blame/praise him for it.  And now I have to go look forward to the weekend.  And graduate.

Hardest Game Ever.

I found this online flash game called QWOP.  It is literally the most challenging experience of my life.  The game tells the story of an aspiring olympic sprinter.  For some reason he needs you to control his legs using your keyboard.  Follow the link and try and help him...if you dare.

QWOP

My personal best is 2.6 meters.  If ANYONE can beat that, post the score as a comment and you win a prize.  The prize may be a cruise to the Carribean...or it may be a drawing I did last weak of a bear.  The possibilities are endless, and the only way to find out is to somehow magically get that runner past 2.6.  Good luck, you will need it.  Also, I graduate college (kind of) tomorrow so that is fun.

Friday Remix.

I have at least 3 ideas of things I could have posted today that didn't have anything to do with Friday, but that just didn't feel right.  I had to make my mind up, which video can I post?  So here is a little twist to the original as it is performed by Stephen Colbert with some special guests:



And now we can all enjoy our weekend...yeah.

I Want One!!

I used to think that shooting machetes from a slingshot rifle was impossible.  Not any more!!



I graduate college later this month, and this is what I want as a gift!  My brother said I should just build my own, which is fine, but I've never been known for my engineering skills.  Some people use guns or baseball bats to protect themselves from home invasion, but can you imagine breaking into a house only to find that machete gun staring back at you?  Anything within four feet of me would totally get stabbed.  Let's just forget about the fact that the inventor almost cut his arm off while making it.  That's not really important.

Friday II.

I'm so stoked about Friday this week, I really had no choice of the video I posted today.  In a rare Time to Waste move, "Friday" is getting re-posted.  Because I gotta get down.



I actually know some people who are offended by how bad this song is, but they just don't know what fun is. Or how to get down.  And I doubt they could EVER make up their mind of which seat they could take.

Saddest Picture in the Whole World.

If you don't speak spanish, than just follow along with the subtitles.  Be warned though, this will make you cry.



It's actually one of my new goals to find a picture exactly like that one and put it up in my apartment.  I think it would go well with the other art I've been curating:  A signed photograph of Marie Osmond, a Dominican flag, a "Ifyourenotfirstyourelastshakeandbakebaby" picture, and one giant velvet painting of a very sad Indian Chief.  All great pieces of art, even though I'm pretty sure the last one is haunted.  Not even kidding.

Jellybeans.

This has been one of my favorite videos for a long time now:



DANGIT!!  Since I don't have a son to kill in a game of wii sports, my sunshine is general conference!  Which is starting right now!

Johnny Appleseed.

Random thought/rant of the day: I'm willing to bet that Johnny Appleseed was a total jerk.  While talking to my roommate yesterday about historical figures we would most likely be able to kill in a fight, my choice was Johnny Appleseed.  I just imagine him to be a total hippie, and not the good kind of hippie either.  The shoeless, poor hygiene type of hippie that no one is glad to see walk into town.  And who wanders around their entire life planting apples?  NO ONE likes apples that much.  I bet he wandered around so much not for his love of apples, but because he had no friends and was constantly getting kicked out of towns for being really stupid.  I guess I imagine him as the Jersey Shore of the early 1800s.  If I were to write up an imaginary dialogue of Johnny Appleseed entering a town bar, it would go something like this:

Bartender: Oh crap, here comes that jerk Johnny Appleseed.  Close the doors and turn off the candles.  Pretend like we're closed.

Townsperson: Oh no its too late.  He's already here.

Johnny Appleseed: Whats up nerds!?  Guess who's back?

Bartender: *sigh*

Johnny: I just walked 400 miles in two days planting like 20,000 apple trees along the way.  I'm not tired though.  Prolly cuz I do so many power squats every morning.  I'll have to show you guys later, its super awesome.

Bartender: Please don't.

Johnny: So anyways while I was traveling I stumbled upon a bear cub stuck up in a giant redwood tree.  I climbed up there and carried it back down on my back.  We ate apples together for over an hour.  It was magical.

Bartender: ............

Johnny: I then taught some indians how to ford rivers using only a single deer skin and later fought a puma with my bear hands.  The indians were so impressed they tried to make me marry their princess and worship me as their Chief.

Bartender:  I'm pretty sure none of that actually happened.

Johnny:  Whatever.  You're just jealous I hooked up with like 90 different indian princesses and you've been stuck in this crappy town your whole life.  Hey, wanna trade me some moonshine in exchange for this whole bag of apples?

Bartender:  No one likes your apples.

Johnny: Whatever nerd.

Bartender:  Please leave.

*END SCENE*

And thats pretty much how I imagine Johnny Appleseed lived his entire life.  He was that guy that everyone hated.  And he deserved it. And I'm pretty sure I could take him in a fight.

Bieber Fever.

So I've had a busy but awesome day (festival of colors and jazz game) so this is getting posted a little bit later than normal.  But it deserves to be seen by everyone.  Beiber Fever has hit a startling new high.



Psyche! It was totally a video of someone throwing something at his head and shown from 3 different angles!  Might just be my new favorite video that doesn't explain the virtues of a certain day of the week.  Thats what he gets for breaking the rules all the time...and loving pizza so much.  If I knew who it was that threw that bottle, they would immediately be put on my wall of heroes.

Friday.

To break my blogging drought I thought I would commemorate today by posting the absolute worst best song I have ever heard in my life.  Some people might have already seen it (like 47 million people actually) but I don't care.  It's Friday, and I gotta get down on Friday.



Fun, fun, think about fun...you know what it is!  You sure do Rebecca.  This is a pretty accurate representation of my life when I was 13 years old.  My friends kicking in the front seat, also some friends sitting in the back seat, and I don't even know what seat to take.  And now thanks to Rebecca, I know what day tomorrow is.  And I know that Sunday comes after that.  This song may or may not become my new alarm in the morning, ending the long run of "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap.  But for now I have to go and start partyin', yartyin' yeah.  Because its friday.  And I gotta get down.

Women Love This.

This advice is worth it's weight in gold, trust me!



Time to stop wearing clothes and change my name to Chesney!

Wall of Heroes.

Time for a little insight into my soul.  I have decided to compile a list of people that inspire.  A list of people that I wish I could be more like.  My hall of fame, my "Wall of Heroes".

Jack LaLanne

I don't care what anyone says, the power of juicing is real.  Anyone that is capable of pulling a rowboat with their teeth while swimming in handcuffs has earned a permanent spot on my Wall of Heroes.  Rest in peace my old friend.

My Dad

No my Dad isn't Nolan Ryan.  But he did have a legendary pitching career for the Malad Mighty Dragons in High School.  He would have pitched for BYU too, but he was too busy wooing my Mom...or something like that.  Other reasons why my Dad is on my Wall of Heroes:  He's crazy good at trivial pursuit, he's hit several holes in one throughout his golf career, and not once in my entire 26 years of life can I remember him ever raising his voice to my Mom.  

Thomas S. Monson

Prophet and President of the LDS Church.  If he told me to jump off a bridge I would do it with a running head start.  Nuff said.

Frank Dux

If I can believe everything I learned about Frank Dux from the movie Bloodsport (which I do), he can punch the top of a pile of bricks while only breaking the bottom one.  Nuff said again.

Jimmer Fredette

Probably the best basketball player...ever.  He broke BYU's career scoring record last night while hanging 52 points on the only team to beat him twice this year.  I've seen him play live around 30 times.  This one time the entire BYU basketball team was walking along a beach.  They looked back and saw only one set of footprints.

Old Spice.

So little did I know until yesterday that the 'old spice guy' made about 30 videos in response to peoples tweets.  They are ALL hilarious.  This is one of my favorites:



I too like to think my blog is the mighty Everest, sitting on top of a skyscraper, and that skyscraper would be sitting on top of one of those rolling library ladders used to reach really, really high shelves.  And atop that wildly high ladder mountain would be the mightiest of falcons, wearing an oxygen mask and flying at an impossibly high altitude.  And this falcon would represent the hilarious and witty videos and posts that I share with everyone.  And on that falcons head would be a top hat, because top hats are for gentlemen.  Gentlemen like me.

Mario Kart.

So this weekend was mostly filled with school work, and no time for either speed painting or building a snow sled death loop.  Tragic.  I did however find a ton of videos done by this French guy named Remi that are all pretty hilarious.  Here is one of him bringing Mario Kart to real life:



I guess he's kinda famous in France seeing as how he has like 106 videos on youtube and pretty much ALL of them have at least 1 million views.  I'm just impressed that someone finally found a good use for a go kart.

Super Fast.

Check this out.  This dude can paint stuff wicked quick:



I honestly want to try and spray paint a picture like this in less than a minute, and post the result.  How hard can it be?  That might be a good project for the weekend.  Unless it keeps snowing here in Provo, at which point my roommate and I will be spending all day tomorrow creating a "snow sled death loop".  Either way should be a fun weekend.

Free Falcon.

My brother brought this to my attention about a week ago.  This guy has posted online his sure fire way to find the girl (or guy if you are a girl) of your dreams.  Some might say this method is hokey, but I say its genius.  Pure falcon genius.

HOW TO MEET THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS (FOOLPROOF)

If I have learned one thing about girls in my 26 years of not being married to one, its that girls love falcons.  There is no better way to impress a girl than by pretending to have raised one and then pretending to have lost it.  Plus theres that huge bonus of maybe finding yourself a free falcon.  I'll do pretty much anything for a free shirt, much a less a free falcon.  Win, win, win.

Good Music Monday.

So just for fun I thought I would post one of my favorite songs of all time today.  This is an acoustic version of the original and has a string section added too.  I think the end result is something beautiful.  Its called "Stare at the Sun" by Thrice.



Pretty much my favorite style of music is acoustic rock, and no one I've found pulls it off better than Thrice.  Easily the best band that no one has ever heard of.  Happy presidents day!

Fart Jokes.

If you're a fan of fart jokes, you're going to love this video.  In other words, if you are either myself or one of my nephews you are going to absolutely love this video.  On the other hand if you're not a fan of fart jokes, you might want to skip this one.  I keep expecting humor like this to stop being funny as I've gotten older, but I still laugh out loud watching this.



I'm trying to impress your parents! Funny thing is, if I brought a girl home to meet my parents and she did this same exact thing in a restaurant, I don't think my Mom and Dad would even care.  They would pry pretend to laugh, say she had a special charm about her, and sincerely thank her for taking their son off their hands.  And I wouldn't blame them.  Fart jokes are funny.

Billboards.

So I'm kind of a nerd for this stuff, but I 'stumbled upon' this page that shows a bunch of creative billboards.  Being an advertising major who will be starting his career in March, I'll be making these myself before the year is over.  Check them out!

Creative Billboards.

I think my favorite is the Bic one because it uses the space around the sign too.  Either that or the vacuum.  Who knows how long that family is going to be stuck up there?!

Happy Valentimes Day!

So today is the day that every 26 year old mormon bachelor dreams about...Valentimes Day!  To celebrate I plan on treating myself to a nice meal, putting on my favorite pair of blue jeans, and later spending hours all alone at the local nickelcade, hogging the ninja turtles game while quietly crying to myself.  It should be magical!  If anyone is looking for their own special way to celebrate Valentimes, might I suggest the movie "Ghost of Girlfriends Past", as detailed by this video:



That Renee Zellweger is such a gem!  I can't think of a better way to celebrate Valentimes than surrounding yourself with those you love, cooking up some popping corn snack, and running down to your local Hollywood Video to rent this classic.  For anyone else who doesn't think that sounds like a good idea, than I'll see you at the nickelcade!  But don't try and talk to me...I'll most likely be upset...but the tears will be from allergies...not loneliness...

Wikipedia All-Stars: Ron Artest II

Time to revisit wikipedia, and this time we will also be revisiting Ron Artest, one of my favorite basketball players.  Last time I posted about Ron, it was about how he once saw a man get stabbed in the heart with a broken table leg during a game of street ball.  The amazing tale of Ron Artest does not end there however:

Artest has been a subject of frequent controversy. In a December 2009 Sporting News interview, Artest admitted that he had led a "wild" lifestyle as a young player, and that he drank Hennessy cognac in the locker room at halftime when he was playing for the Chicago Bulls at the beginning of his NBA career.  During his rookie season in Chicago, he was criticized for applying for a job at Circuit City in order to get an employee discount.  He once attended a practice with the Indiana Pacers in a bath robe.

Some call that kind of behavior inappropriate, I call it the american dream.  Who doesn't want to do EVERYTHING in a bathrobe?  But my favorite is the fact that he tried to get a job at Circuit City for the discount.  First of all, I don't think any professional athlete needs to worry about money (except for the WNBA).  Second, why not just let him work there during the offseason?  Who is that going to hurt?  If anything he was just being frugal.  And yet people still think he's the crazy one... 

Funniest Video Ever.

Thats not a title I like to throw around easily.  But I laughed harder at this video that anything else I've seen in a long time.  You just have to ignore the semi-gayness of it all.



Sergio Flores should be above the law.  He's playing to a baby for crying out loud!

Quote of the Day.

" I lost Ed Truck, and it feels like somebody took my heart, and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone, and I am crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone. "

-Michael Scott 

Has nothing to do with my life, but it made me laugh out loud while watching The Office re-runs tonight.

High Five.

A lot of people aren't sure how to properly administer a high five.  I'm pretty epic at it, and this video should help everyone become epic high fivers as well.



One point of contention: I can throw a microwave pretty stinking far.  Like way farther than any five zone should be.  Like I can't really prove it, but I'm pretty sure I can throw a microwave further than Brett Farve could.  And I would send WAY less inappropriate photos of myself in the process.  

Invisible.

My favorite part about using yahoo for my email is that they take it upon themselves to suggest news stories I might find interesting.  Sometimes the news articles they want me to read are beyond pointless.  For example, did you know that Anne Hathaway wore polka dot pants to the red carpet?  Oh my heck, how could she!  But one news story that is actually pretty amazing can be found by clicking here.

Or HERE.

It's about a Chinese artist that specializes in painting himself so that he looks invisible in front of a complex background.  There are ten of them on there so check them all out.  I think my favorite is him at the movie theater, but the one with the cop seriously looks like a ghost.  That guy sure is crafty.  

Self Defense III.

The best part about practice katanas? No matter how much you slam them on a table, they NEVER break!!



Except for this one.  That looks like it hurt.  That looks like it hurt big time.  This guy should get in touch with the Cold Steel guys and really learn how to do a weapon promo.  Hint: You should only ever attack watermelons.  It was a rookie mistake to go after the table, and one he payed for by getting stabbed in the heart.  His dreams must be as broken as the blade of his Japanese sword.  

Working Out.

So I've been trying to go to the gym at least 4 days a week.  Since BYU's gym gets so crowded later in the day that means I have to get up at 5:30 so I can get there when it opens.  And when I do get there, this is pretty much EXACTLY how I exercise:



Except I don't wear the helmet.  I'm too cool for that.  I get a lot of weird looks but I think they're just jealous of how fit I am.

Special thanks to my Dad for showing me this, and I'm looking forward to getting the 'snake shaker' as my graduation present this summer!

Best Movie I've Never Seen.

I'm sure at least some of you remember a classic movie called '3 Ninjas'.  It's a gripping tale that tells the story of 3 young white "ninjas" named Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum (you most likely hated Tum-Tum, I know I did).  You might even remember its sequel '3 Ninjas Kick Back'.  A die hard fan might even know about the third movie of the series '3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain' which also starred the mighty Hulk Hogan.  I myself have seen almost two of these movies (all of the first one and about half of the other two).  But not even I knew about the existence of a FOURTH 3 Ninjas movie, '3 Ninjas Knuckle Up'.  I haven't ever watched a single scene from Knuckle Up, but the synopsis alone was enough for me to award it "Best Movie I've Never Seen":

In this movie Rocky, Colt and TumTum must battle an evil wealthy toxic waste dumper in order to save a local Indian tribe and their friend Joe. The 3 Ninjas must help find Joe's father and find a secret disk that contains evidence that could stop the toxic landfill that is destroying the Indian community. However the town is owned by the rich man and he controls the police and even the mayor. They must fight a motorcycle gang and renegade cowboys in this non-stop ninja adventure.

This movie has everything!  It's got ninjas, cowboys, motorcycle gangs, a guy named Joe, indians, toxic dumpers, corrupt politicians, missing fathers, etc.!  The ninja adventure found in this movie literally does not stop.  I'm honestly not sure if I'll ever get to see this cinematic gem, mostly because I doubt you can rent it anymore and I refuse to pay real money to own it.  It might always be known in my heart as the 'Best Movie I've Never Seen.'

Interesting side note: The previous winner of the "Best Movie I've Never Seen" award used to be 'Kazaam' starring Shaquille O'Neal.  But then I actually watched it.  And it immediately joined my "10 Worst Movies I've Ever Forced Myself to Sit Through" list, which will forever be headed by 'Twister' starring Bill Paxton.

Epic Dunk.

ANYONE can dunk a basketball using a trampoline.  I can almost dunk without one.  But how many can dunk themselves?



I think his best course of action is to claim he did that on purpose.  Doing that on purpose = epic.  Doing that on accident = epic fail.  Thats why I claim that everything I do is on purpose.  That way 'slipping on some ice' = 'totally sweet power slide'.  Or 'falling asleep in Sunday School' = 'intense meditation'.  So much better.

Self Defense II.

Little known fact: the main advantage of the war hammer is its absolutely ferocious smashing and piercing power.  Our good friends over at Cold Steel (the makers of the Sjambok) are back, and this time they brought their big guns.  Well...not really guns.  More like a hammer.



That spike really does pierce "all kinds of stuff".  Sweat Shorts Guy really took it to that water barrel.  They say in the commercial that there is hardly anything that can stand in front of that spike and not get smashed or pierced by it.  Well here is my list of things that probably could:

-Superman
-Another War Hammer

And thats pretty much it.  I honestly can't think of anything else that could withstand such ferocious piercing and smashing power.  Buy a war hammer, you won't regret it.