Friday, April 1, 2011

Johnny Appleseed.

Random thought/rant of the day: I'm willing to bet that Johnny Appleseed was a total jerk.  While talking to my roommate yesterday about historical figures we would most likely be able to kill in a fight, my choice was Johnny Appleseed.  I just imagine him to be a total hippie, and not the good kind of hippie either.  The shoeless, poor hygiene type of hippie that no one is glad to see walk into town.  And who wanders around their entire life planting apples?  NO ONE likes apples that much.  I bet he wandered around so much not for his love of apples, but because he had no friends and was constantly getting kicked out of towns for being really stupid.  I guess I imagine him as the Jersey Shore of the early 1800s.  If I were to write up an imaginary dialogue of Johnny Appleseed entering a town bar, it would go something like this:

Bartender: Oh crap, here comes that jerk Johnny Appleseed.  Close the doors and turn off the candles.  Pretend like we're closed.

Townsperson: Oh no its too late.  He's already here.

Johnny Appleseed: Whats up nerds!?  Guess who's back?

Bartender: *sigh*

Johnny: I just walked 400 miles in two days planting like 20,000 apple trees along the way.  I'm not tired though.  Prolly cuz I do so many power squats every morning.  I'll have to show you guys later, its super awesome.

Bartender: Please don't.

Johnny: So anyways while I was traveling I stumbled upon a bear cub stuck up in a giant redwood tree.  I climbed up there and carried it back down on my back.  We ate apples together for over an hour.  It was magical.

Bartender: ............

Johnny: I then taught some indians how to ford rivers using only a single deer skin and later fought a puma with my bear hands.  The indians were so impressed they tried to make me marry their princess and worship me as their Chief.

Bartender:  I'm pretty sure none of that actually happened.

Johnny:  Whatever.  You're just jealous I hooked up with like 90 different indian princesses and you've been stuck in this crappy town your whole life.  Hey, wanna trade me some moonshine in exchange for this whole bag of apples?

Bartender:  No one likes your apples.

Johnny: Whatever nerd.

Bartender:  Please leave.


And thats pretty much how I imagine Johnny Appleseed lived his entire life.  He was that guy that everyone hated.  And he deserved it. And I'm pretty sure I could take him in a fight.


  1. So..... Napoleon Dynamite is his descendant?

  2. I could see that. But Napoleon Dynamite is WAY more likable than Johnny Appleseed ever was.

  3. wow. i can see you judging me for a lifetime after i say what i'm about to say.
    i loved johnny a. when i was young. we had a connection. i believe it had to do with my love for apple pie. and planting seeds.
    i also watch jersey shore.
    but you probably COULD take him in a fight.

  4. I read Johnny's part as if it were played by Andy Samberg. That would make a pretty good SNL script.