If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but only if you throw it really, really hard.
Occasionally think "I know you can read my thoughts," just in case.
Before you insult someone, always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you insult them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Instead of giving your significant other flowers to watch die, send flowers to your enemy with a note that reads, "You're next!"
If a girl doesn't seem interested in you, you're not wearing enough Axe.
While being mugged, shout "Swiper no swiping!"
Never hit a man with glasses. To be effective, hit him with something much bigger and heavier.
Never mess with a Sicilian when death is on the line...
And there you have it. Sure fire ways to get you a new/better job/spouse. I'm SO going to be rich/attractive to others some day!