Whats green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.
A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We are both lawyers.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Domestic violence is a crime. She should leave her abusive partner and seek help.
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks around a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
So this guy walks into the Doctors and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this." The Doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both of your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."
A white guy, a black guy, and a spanish guy jump off a building. They all die on impact and their families mourn their loss for years to come.
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing. He's homeless.
Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
How do you make a plumber cry?
You kill his dog.
Why did Suzie fall of the swing?
She had no arms.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A horrible boating accident.
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Enjoy your Tuesday.